Not Ashamed

“I hear you, call my name. If I answer you, no I won’t be the same. How exciting is life with you. And to follow you on the road you choose. And to follow you on the road you choose.

Lord, I am not ashamed to just call you Lord and to lift my hands and to raise my voice. I give you my life and lay my crowns here for you. Cause only you, you deserve it all. Only you. You deserve it all.

I hear you calling me. There is a stirring deep in me. And it moves me to my knees. And it beckons me to free.”

Not Ashamed by Nickel and Dime is song I have loved since 1998. It is the last song on their 8 Through 9 album. I wish I could give everyone I know and meet a copy of this CD. This band, along with Ridgely and Bluetree, find a way to say things I want to say in prayer, in praise, in pain, in trials, and in joy.

This song, today, is particularly important. As time and demands race by, I find myself caught in the funnel of chaos. The noise is drowning out His voice. I am easily distracted, even with a long list of “to-do” nipping at my worn heels.

In fifteen days, I will be walking across a stage to grab an empty place holder as I wait for my degree to be confirmed and mailed to me. My family will be there (Sarah Nelson, you are family) to witness a dream of mine come to fruition. And the only reason this is happening, is because God brought me to George Fox University (GFU) and carried me through the last four years. I am unafraid of this truth. Time and time again, I can find moments where God confirmed I was in the right place, at the right time, doing His will.

God blessed my mom and sister in a way that allowed me to attend school without having to work. He provided for us all. He is still providing for us.

Today, as I was going through the motions–attending class, discussing, questioning–I realized the fear I have been caring. What does graduation really mean? It means my time at GFU is ending and I don’t want to leave. I am not afraid of the big bad world. I am afraid I won’t find a home like this again. The list of people I am going to miss is too long to share. The moments of joy, grace (oh the grace I have found here), and unconditional love are something I have never really had anywhere else. God gifted me with a place I could rest and let Him work within me.

I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed to say God is the reason I am alive, writing, sharing, working, learning, and serving. He alone has brought me from the brink and allowed me to rest in Him, in this place, in this time. He has placed people like Melanie Mock, Sara Kelm, Kathy Heininge, Gary Tandy, Bill Jolliff, Rick Muthiah, Polly Peterson, Abigail Favale, Kathy Harris, John Knox, Tim Tsohantaridis, Mary Schmitt, Brian Doak, Roger Newell, Kathy Weiss, Beth LaForce, Kathi Gatlin, Jordan Neslon, Jana Kaye, Shaundrea Flury-Hirengen, Chelsea Gritten, Samantha Hebard, Emily Lund, Ryan Lackey, Jade Becker, Lauren Bass, Lori Paddock, Britta Walen, Mackenzie Adix, Elizabeth Cranston, Keilah Uhre, and so many more in my life. He has used (still does) all of these wonderful people to show me His love, mercy, and grace. Each of these wonderful servants and believers have pushed me to grow, to use the voice God has given me, and to write.

I am not ashamed to say I am a Daughter of the Messiah. I am not ashamed to lift my voice in praise. As I walk across the stage in two weeks, may God receive the glory for this crown, this degree, for this moment is not mine but His.

I am not sure where I go from here, but I do know who goes before me.

Lord, I lay everything at your feet. You are so good, Father. I don’t deserve this, your love, your grace, you mercy, your promise. I offer myself as a vessel. Lord use me for your will. Help me reflect your love on everyone I meet. Your grace is overwhelming. I am a new creation who is trembling before you, trembling in awe. I know you are a big God, my God, who I will never fully fathom, and I am so grateful you are my Father. I am not ashamed to call you Lord, King, Savior, and Father. As my time at GFU ends, Lord I am resting in you, looking to follow your footprints toward whatever/wherever you deem next for me. I do not want my next steps to be about me, but I do want them to be yours.